It has been a very exciting past few months that has kept me away from this blog. Seldom now do I have time to think much less put those thoughts into words. Looking back I am grateful to have been given the chance to make the changes that needed to happen in my life. More and more of late, however I see new changes that are slowly begging for more attention. We allow ourselves to believe that we can settle down and ease into life. I think its belief that though easy and comfortable is an invalid thing. I have always felt that we are on this earth to learn to grow and to experience. It feels wrong. . . it tastes a lie to say that it is ok to just .. . be. There is more to life. I know this! I feel it so deeply in my soul. I know no one is perfect and myself least of all but to strive to be better! Always better. Stronger, faster, healthier, better in the body. Smarter, more resilient, more patient, less quick to anger, Better in the mind, and the soul ever soaking all this in for use in the next existance. The body will fail, the mind will falter but the emense computer that is our soul will store it all. Every triumph, every tragedy, all pleasure, all pain, all aspects of our mortal existance being saved and processed and made for eternal use. I believe that if we fill our soul with the right kind of food it will foster within traits and tools we can use later. To this end I feel strongly the need to stay on the path of chivalry and honor I began in the years past. To ignore pain and push through bitterness and take on the armor of faith and longsuffering and wisdom.
My friends and family it is true as many of you know and more suspect there were times in my life when I was consumed with darkness, I lusted and I thurst for more lust and violence and blood and pain and pure unadulterated hatred of my fellow man. Many years deep in my own thoughts filling my soul with evil and bitterness doing all kinds of things of which I am not proud. But while I am not proud I also do not regret. To regret would to say there was nothing to learn I am instead grateful to our Lord that he allowed me to live despite it all and to grow and to grow up and quite frankly to learn the hard way. I look back and don't even recognize that person. It goes so against who I am now and what I strive to become that it is as if in my memories I am looking through someone elses eyes. I am grateful I never did something in all that hate that would have been unreconcilable. . . . none of us have the right to look down on others for their choices. We can only hope and pray that they learn from them before they do something from which they cannot return.
The eternal future is before me opened wide and I begin to see that my choices must be made with that future in mind. Long term goals deferring gratification and pleasure in exchange for happiness and joy of soul. Patience for those who are on the road we all walk. Too long have I hid in shadows and behind the blanket of annominity. I prefer the light of day and to be recognized as an honorable man. To stand with my shoulders wide and to glow from within with an inner strength. Too long have I slumped my shoulders either in fear or in bitterness with no inner strength and no inner fire. This is the goal that begs attention. To be boldy honest and forthright, with no fear because I have nothing to hide anymore and no more secrets worth keeping.